How to Drive Chicago: “Shitgun!”


36. Drive. And Survive. And Thrive. We were pulling out of a parking lot recently after our ten thousandth little league game and we drove past another family. I watched 2 siblings fighting for the front seat. What started as a verbal argument ended with Homer on Bart style choking. Parents in tears. Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. 

But you . . . you’re better than that. You’ve figured this out already. Or, maybe you’re one of those families who’s flatulence has no odor and your clones never argue. If that is NOT the case, allow me to help.  

Child “A” in the front seat on the way to all destinations. Child “B” in the front seat anytime you are on the way home. Done. That’s it. Doesn’t matter if it’s a one-way trip. Doesn’t matter if you’re dropping one off at an orphanage and he will never ride with you again.  “A” in front on the way there. “B” in front on the way back. 

Doesn’t matter if the getaway trip takes 5 hours and then we find a worm hole and the return is 6 minutes. “A” on the way there. “B” on the way back. 

Accordion your car killing your family? Does not matter. Corpse “A” in front. Corpse “B” in back. 

Now, I’m quite aware of the math issues if you own a third child. In that case, keep it simple. The baby stays in back until your oldest stops riding with you. Good to keep her confidence down anyways. Make it up to her in some other way. Let her lead prayers or something 

How to Chicago: Abduction Instruction, or Abduction Obstruction.? Ok Fine. Stranger Danger

17. Survive.  Final tip for April….Stranger danger was not just a trendy panic during the Reagan administration. You certainly, without question must teach your offspring about kidnappers. Think like a criminal and present as many different scenarios to your clones as you can muster. Although “Do you want some candy?” can probably be upgraded with “How about some free wifi?”.  Do it early in their life and do it often.  

“Run!” pretty much sums up my advice. Monsters may threaten that they have a gun or knife, but they don’t, or if they show one, ignore it. It’s an empty threat to scare. Run! It’s your best defense. Yelling “Help!” “Police!” is important too. Create a scene.