51. We consume many a movie en mi casa. At least a few a week. I peruse Rotten Tomatoes every few months and load up my Netflix queue with any movies rating over 80% and then await their arrival throughout the year.
Good movies make me reflect on my life. The really good ones actually change it, at least temporarily.
I challenge you not to squirm and immediately turn off sex scenes when watching movies with your children. If you have no issues with watching someone’s head be blown off next to your clones, you should be able to deal with the naked, human body as well. You can turn it into a parenting moment about respect for the opposite gender, safe sex etc. As the years pass the uncomfortableness will fade as will the taboo on sex and the naked human body.
Some 2017 films worth seeing:
Beatriz at Dinner
The Big Sick
The Meyerowitz Stories
A Ghost Story
Great, old movie to watch again with your shorties . . . Dead Poets Society. It was a joy to watch again. I had forgotten the major theme in this gem is swimming against the current. I knew I liked it for some reason.
Best man movie to stream after wife falls asleep on the couch . . . Donald Cried.
Best Jessica Chastain movie . . . anything. Absolutely anything she graces us with.
49. In general, I think 2017 was a down year for front to backs. Especially in comparison to the deluge of 2016 that brought Car Seat Headrest, Savages and John Doe’s The Westerner into my life, all of which I still listen to weekly.
Nevertheless there were a few worth mentioning. I dare you to listen to one of them all the way through more than once.
St. Vincent – Masseducation
Aimee Mann – Mental Illness
Kendrick Lamar – DAMN
Run The Jewels – 3
The Regrettes – Feel your Feelings Fool!
Ed Sheeran – Just wanted to see if you read this far down. Fuck Ed Sheeran. Here’s a tip Ed. You don’t have to say yes every time somebody asks you to be on TV. It leads to something called overexposure. It’s OK to say no and leave a little mystery every now and again you hack.
The Cavities – This is a band I made up in my head. If I was 16 and starting a rock and roll band this is what I would call it. Your kids can use it if you ask me first.
Booger – Another one of those, but obviously it would have to be a punk band.
In memory of Walter Scott.
48. Final 5 weeks will be short and sweet. I’ve purged most of the rubbish clogging my gyri and sulci and for some reason you’re still reading.
I’ll leave you with a few rants because that’s all I have left.
. . . Can we please, PLEASE as a society stop saying that someone has “lost” their battle to cancer once they die. Do we really need to call them losers on their way out. It blows my gyri. So and so has lost. Mighty cancer has won. It has defeated your loved one. Why are we giving cancer more power with this statement?
Saying that someone has lost the battle implies that there was a possibility that it could have been won if only they fought harder. It’s really fucked up.
It is OK to say the word “die”. There is an uneasiness about using this word in society and I do not understand why.
When I die, feel free to say I won my battle against life.
47. White men, allow me to hip you up a bit. Learn a dap. A dap is a series of rhythmic hand slaps, bumps and or clasps exchanged between two people as a greeting. Now you can say hello just like the pilgrims and Native Americans did 2000 years ago
Here’s the most common one that’s sure to liven up your day.
1. Start with the soul brother.
2. Immediately come in for a chest hug with hands still clasped. Totally up to you what you do with you left hand.
3. As you pull back from the gentle chest hug, transition your soul brother clasp into the stereotypical white guy shake. Only 1 shake please.
Now, you’re going to have to actually plan this handshake out ahead of time with your white friends.
Fortunately this city is a great melting pot. Most nonwhite ethnicities are already cool enough to pick up what you’re laying down with this dap.
You are going to be nervous the first few times that you’re going to flub it up. Practice with your kid before you unleash your lit self on the world.
46. Snoring. If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
It’s staggering the number of marriages disturbed by snoring. I personally believe that laying into your “loved” one for this unintentional occurrence is akin to complaining about them being diabetic or having ADHD or being left handed. Go easy. They’re not doing it on purpose. And I bet you snore as well from time to time, but your consort simply isn’t bothered by it like you are.
I’ve tried sleeping on my side, using a sound machine to drown it out, ear plugs worn by my wife, jaw straps to hold my mouth closed and various mouth guards.
Alas, we entered sleep divorce. Taking turns sleeping on the couch, in the basement, or in the attic. Anywhere that wasn’t together. ‘Twas, as they say in France, a bummer.
Persistence has paid off, however. I have found a solution. A mouth guard called the SnoreRx. It pulls your lower jaw forward and has greatly decreased the snore. It differs from other mouth guards in that the amount of lower jaw movement is adjustable making it more comfortable to sleep in. It takes some getting used to, but stay with and it may help.
We are happily bed married again.
42. Stand your ground at intimate, crowded venues. Those shows where it’s so stuffed everyone’s shoulders are touching. People are moving all around you encroaching on your personal space. Stepping on your feet. Claustrophobia inspiring. The guy in front of you keeps swaying back putting his hairy melon in your face.
Standing your ground is quite effective. Simply increase your base of support by spreading your feet a bit. Put your shoe directly up against the hippie’s shoe whose bothering you the most. And don’t move it! I mean, not even a little. That subtle, tactile hint will repel your foe. In a moment or three they’ll move their hoof away from yours giving you more space. I’ve never had a foot stepped on. You can do it in any direction. Of course, if you yourself like to sway and get lost in the tune have at it. I’m just getting old and crotchety.
41. Drive and Thrive. I still find terrestrial radio to be what I desire most when zipping around town. You can dial in several of your city’s local, college, radio stations while on the road. They are the best. The DJs are green as hell. Lots of “um”s and dead air, but I’ll take that over the slick voices of commercial radio any day. The tunes are eclectic and stimulating and it’s commercial free. If you get into it for a considerable time send ’em a donation. You will find them all left of the dial.
90.9 WDCB for the jazzbos
40. It’s marathon week in Chi-town (or the week of chafe if you prefer). If you’ve given into the peer pressure, well then, enjoy your Gu. I personally think marathons are bad for you, but I am but a lowly physical therapist.
Thrive. For non marathon exercise, it’s fun to run through the city. It’s a lovely visual tour of an architecturally epic city. There’s excellent people watching. It’s easy to mark your distance. Eight blocks to a mile. One suggestion for big city jogging. Don’t do it down Michigan Avenue. Don’t do it down State Street. They are teeming with humans that you must constantly dodge. They get annoyed. You get annoyed. One must brake every block for a stoplight. Instead select some nice, long, lesser touristy side streets where you don’t need to interupt your stride.
Side note: Listening to people talk about marathon training ranks right up there with listening to people tell you about the tattoos that they are going to get one day. Or listening to people talk about their fantasy football team. Or listening to people talk about their golf game. (This post has gotten longer than I wanted.)
Go ahead and marathon if you feel like you need to prove something to someone. I wish you luck and I’ll see you in the clinic on Monday. I’m a physical therapist.
2nd side note: Half marathons are perfectly acceptable because my wife do them.
38. Thrive: We are nearing that time of year. The sports equinox occurs when the MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA are all underway. Watching pro sports in person is invariably better with more details. Nowadays all teams have an app where you can listen to the radio feed real time on your mobile. Grab a $10 beer then pop in an ear bud and listen to the radio guys explain every detail of the game as you watch it live. You can still socialize with your home boys, but now when something odd happens during the game, say all the umpires meet at the pitchers mound for a 10 minute discussion, you’ll know it was because they found cork in Sammy Sosa’s bat. Everyone around your seat will turn to you for the info. You’ll feel powerful. It almost makes paying $50 to park worth it.
P. S. My wife goes to more pro sporting events than me by a hundredfold.
I just needed to get that off my chest.
36. Drive. And Survive. And Thrive. We were pulling out of a parking lot recently after our ten thousandth little league game and we drove past another family. I watched 2 siblings fighting for the front seat. What started as a verbal argument ended with Homer on Bart style choking. Parents in tears. Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.
But you . . . you’re better than that. You’ve figured this out already. Or, maybe you’re one of those families who’s flatulence has no odor and your clones never argue. If that is NOT the case, allow me to help.
Child “A” in the front seat on the way to all destinations. Child “B” in the front seat anytime you are on the way home. Done. That’s it. Doesn’t matter if it’s a one-way trip. Doesn’t matter if you’re dropping one off at an orphanage and he will never ride with you again. “A” in front on the way there. “B” in front on the way back.
Doesn’t matter if the getaway trip takes 5 hours and then we find a worm hole and the return is 6 minutes. “A” on the way there. “B” on the way back.
Accordion your car killing your family? Does not matter. Corpse “A” in front. Corpse “B” in back.
Now, I’m quite aware of the math issues if you own a third child. In that case, keep it simple. The baby stays in back until your oldest stops riding with you. Good to keep her confidence down anyways. Make it up to her in some other way. Let her lead prayers or something