How to Chicago: Shows. Stand Your Ground

42. Stand your ground at intimate, crowded venues. Those shows where it’s so stuffed everyone’s shoulders are touching. People are moving all around you encroaching on your personal space. Stepping on your feet. Claustrophobia inspiring. The guy in front of you keeps swaying back putting his hairy melon in your face.

Standing your ground is quite effective. Simply increase your base of support by spreading your feet a bit. Put your shoe directly up against the hippie’s shoe whose bothering you the most. And don’t move it! I mean, not even a little. That subtle, tactile hint will repel your foe. In a moment or three they’ll move their hoof away from yours giving you more space.  I’ve never had a foot stepped on. You can do it in any direction. Of course, if you yourself like to sway and get lost in the tune have at it. I’m just getting old and crotchety.

How to Chicago: Good Radio

41. Drive and Thrive. I still find terrestrial radio to be what I desire most when zipping around town. You can dial in several of your city’s local, college, radio stations while on the road. They are the best. The DJs are green as hell. Lots of “um”s and dead air, but I’ll take that over the slick voices of commercial radio any day. The tunes are eclectic and stimulating and it’s commercial free. If you get into it for a considerable time send ’em a donation. You will find them all left of the dial.

88.7 WLUW

88.3 WZRD

90.9 WDCB for the jazzbos

How to Chicago: Running. 

40.  It’s marathon week in Chi-town (or the week of chafe if you prefer). If you’ve given into the peer pressure, well then, enjoy your Gu. I personally think marathons are bad for you, but I am but a lowly physical therapist. 

Thrive. For non marathon exercise, it’s fun to run through the city. It’s a lovely visual tour of an architecturally epic city. There’s excellent people watching. It’s easy to mark your distance. Eight blocks to a mile. One suggestion for big city jogging. Don’t do it down Michigan Avenue. Don’t do it down State Street. They are teeming with humans that you must constantly dodge. They get annoyed. You get annoyed. One must brake every block for a stoplight. Instead select some nice, long, lesser touristy side streets where you don’t need to interupt your stride.

Side note: Listening to people talk about marathon training ranks right up there with listening to people tell you about the tattoos that they are going to get one day. Or listening to people talk about their  fantasy football team. Or listening to people talk about their golf game. (This post has gotten longer than I wanted.)

Go ahead and marathon if you feel like you need to prove something to someone. I wish you luck and I’ll see you in the clinic on Monday. I’m a physical therapist. 

2nd side note: Half marathons are perfectly acceptable because my wife do them. 

How to Drive Chicago: Speed in the Express Lanes. 

39. Drive. Speed when you’re driving in the express lanes. They are the best thing about the Kennedy and the Dan Ryan. 

Especially the Kennedy (I 90). If traffic is light and you have the option of the locals or the express, you best speed if you choose the latter.  What’s the point if you’re not going to speed. There’s only 1 spot in that 8 mile stretch where a county mounty can sit and ticket you, but they can be seen from a literal mile away. 

Speed if you opt for the express lanes. Otherwise you’re just in the way.  You wouldn’t stand in the center of an escalator blocking people that want to walk past you on the left. Who would do that.?

Same thing on the highway. If you’re just going to la de da it down the road then stay in the locals and out of my way. I’ve got shit to do. 

How to Chicago: Sporting Events

38. Thrive: We are nearing that time of year. The sports equinox occurs when the MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA are all underway. Watching pro sports in person is invariably better with more details. Nowadays all teams have an app where you can listen to the radio feed real time on your mobile. Grab a $10 beer then pop in an ear bud and listen to the radio guys explain every detail of the game as you watch it live. You can still socialize with your home boys, but now when something odd happens during the game, say all the umpires meet at the pitchers mound for a 10 minute discussion, you’ll know it was because they found cork in Sammy Sosa’s bat. Everyone around your seat will turn to you for the info. You’ll feel powerful.  It almost makes paying $50 to park worth it. 

P. S.  My wife goes to more pro sporting events than me by a hundredfold. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. 

How to Drive Chicago: dominate the expressway, brah

37. Drive. Commuting on the expressway through or around downtown during rush hour (which is every hour) can be nauseating. Expressways are very much like flowing rivers with slow pockets and fast-moving channels. These correspond directly to which side cars are entering and exiting the highway from. Move to the lanes that lead to highway exits. Less cars mean faster speeds. Avoid the side of the highway that has entrance ramps. More cars equals….. you get the point. The difference in how quickly you zip through traffic can be drastic. That stretch of exits and entrances can go on for several miles and then unexpectedly flip sides.  Know where those changes occur and move to that side accordingly.  

How to Two: Come on Already. ALERT. MUST READ. 

 36.5. Drive. Let’s make today a two-fer. This will also be the first time I’ve revisited a previous post. This one harkens back to Month 1 of this blog and I feel like none of you are listening.

THERE IS NO NEED TO EVER SLOW DOWN WHEN DRIVING OVER A SEGMENT OF ROAD AS  SEEN ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Never ever ever bether nether clever pleather smether heather ever ever. 

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a mile long back up because people hit the brakes and creep over a patch like this I would…… fuck off. Just stop doing it please.