How to Chicago: Mass Murderer Rant

50. News media, I beg you to stop using the actual name of a mass murderer after a horrific event. I understand the importance of getting the name out there once, but after that they should be known as nothing more than the culprit, or the murderer, whatever. Just stop using their name. I have to believe it is exactly what they wanted. They want to go down in infamy. “They’ll speak of my heinousness for years to come.”

This being the anniversary of Sandy Hook I heard the murderers name numerous times this morning on the news. Great. Way to keep his personal narrative alive. Exactly what he wanted. Instead of empathy for the families I felt rage against him and hearing his name easily conjured images of his face in my mind.

I never want to see that image again.

I have to believe that having their name spoken in the 24 hour news cycle both acutely and chronically is a motivation for psychopaths.

Perhaps it would deter future killers knowing that no one would know who actually committed the act and they will not be remembered. Hell, if it stops 1 person it’s successful.

I’m willing to try anything.

I emailed WGN news this post this morning. If you agree, maybe you should contact your news outlet.

How to Chicago: Albums of the Year

49. In general, I think 2017 was a down year for front to backs. Especially in comparison to the deluge of 2016 that brought Car Seat Headrest, Savages and John Doe’s The Westerner into my life, all of which I still listen to weekly.

Nevertheless there were a few worth mentioning. I dare you to listen to one of them all the way through more than once.

St. Vincent – Masseducation

Aimee Mann – Mental Illness

Kendrick Lamar – DAMN

Run The Jewels – 3

The Regrettes – Feel your Feelings Fool!

Ed Sheeran – Just wanted to see if you read this far down. Fuck Ed Sheeran. Here’s a tip Ed. You don’t have to say yes every time somebody asks you to be on TV. It leads to something called overexposure. It’s OK to say no and leave a little mystery every now and again you hack.

The Cavities – This is a band I made up in my head. If I was 16 and starting a rock and roll band this is what I would call it. Your kids can use it if you ask me first.

Booger – Another one of those, but obviously it would have to be a punk band.

In memory of Walter Scott.

How to Chicago: Death Rant

48. Final 5 weeks will be short and sweet. I’ve purged most of the rubbish clogging my gyri and sulci and for some reason you’re still reading.

I’ll leave you with a few rants because that’s all I have left.

. . . Can we please, PLEASE as a society stop saying that someone has “lost” their battle to cancer once they die. Do we really need to call them losers on their way out. It blows my gyri. So and so has lost. Mighty cancer has won. It has defeated your loved one. Why are we giving cancer more power with this statement?

Saying that someone has lost the battle implies that there was a possibility that it could have been won if only they fought harder. It’s really fucked up.

It is OK to say the word “die”. There is an uneasiness about using this word in society and I do not understand why.

When I die, feel free to say I won my battle against life.

How to Chicago: The Dap

47. White men, allow me to hip you up a bit. Learn a dap. A dap is a series of rhythmic hand slaps, bumps and or clasps exchanged between two people as a greeting. Now you can say hello just like the pilgrims and Native Americans did 2000 years ago

Here’s the most common one that’s sure to liven up your day.

1. Start with the soul brother.

2. Immediately come in for a chest hug with hands still clasped. Totally up to you what you do with you left hand.

3. As you pull back from the gentle chest hug, transition your soul brother clasp into the stereotypical white guy shake. Only 1 shake please.

4. Disengage.

Now, you’re going to have to actually plan this handshake out ahead of time with your white friends.

Fortunately this city is a great melting pot. Most nonwhite ethnicities are already cool enough to pick up what you’re laying down with this dap.

You are going to be nervous the first few times that you’re going to flub it up. Practice with your kid before you unleash your lit self on the world.

Happy Thanksgiving.

How to Chicago: Snoring

46. Snoring. If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

It’s staggering the number of marriages disturbed by snoring. I personally believe that laying into your “loved” one for this unintentional occurrence is akin to complaining about them being diabetic or having ADHD or being left handed. Go easy. They’re not doing it on purpose. And I bet you snore as well from time to time, but your consort simply isn’t bothered by it like you are.

I’ve tried sleeping on my side, using a sound machine to drown it out, ear plugs worn by my wife, jaw straps to hold my mouth closed and various mouth guards.

Alas, we entered sleep divorce. Taking turns sleeping on the couch, in the basement, or in the attic. Anywhere that wasn’t together. ‘Twas, as they say in France, a bummer.

Persistence has paid off, however. I have found a solution. A mouth guard called the SnoreRx. It pulls your lower jaw forward and has greatly decreased the snore. It differs from other mouth guards in that the amount of lower jaw movement is adjustable making it more comfortable to sleep in. It takes some getting used to, but stay with and it may help.

https://www.snorerx.com/

We are happily bed married again.

How to Drive Chicago: Jumping the Line at a Stoplight

45.  Drive.  Jumping the line at a stoplight. If you live in the city you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout. I’m not going to go into why one would pull this maneuver, but it comes in handy from time to time (or at every traffic light you come to if you’re S.R.)

Here’s the best technique: 

1. Hang back a few yards out of peripheral vision from the first car in line as you pull adjacent to it on it’s right so as to not raise his “not going to let you in front of me” antenna. 

2. Monitor the electronic countdown for the cross traffic crosswalk. When it hits 0 you know cross traffic is about to get their yellow.

3. Begin advancing during the cross traffic yellow. Your light is about to go green. You have already left yourself some extra runway. 

It’s near impossible for the lead car on your left to accelerate from a dead stop faster than you with your rolling start to keep you from merging in front of him. You’ll get so far out in front so quickly that it will eliminate their attempt to race you and keep you out. 

First car at the light….. let the jumper go. It doesn’t affect you. 

How to Drive Chicago: Speeding Tickets 

44. Drive. If you’ve got a lead foot like me it’s good to know who has jurisdiction to pull you over on the roads surrounding your city. Chicago cops cannot stop you on the expressway. That’s Illinois State Trooper territory. The exception is Chicago Transit Police. Their cars look just like Chicago Police cars, but have “Transit Police” labeled on the side. They monitor the “El” stops down the expressways. If you’re zipping along and you see one rolling ahead of you, let up a bit. They can pull you over and ticket you on the expressway. 

Lake Shore Drive – Chicago Police (they sit and radar often). Keep it under 60 mph and your usually fine. 

Chicago Skyway – Chicago police. 

If you have the Waze app, keep it open and most times it will alert you when “police are reported ahead.”  It’s a modern day fuzz buster.