How to Drive Chicago: Speed in the Express Lanes. 

39. Drive. Speed when you’re driving in the express lanes. They are the best thing about the Kennedy and the Dan Ryan. 

Especially the Kennedy (I 90). If traffic is light and you have the option of the locals or the express, you best speed if you choose the latter.  What’s the point if you’re not going to speed. There’s only 1 spot in that 8 mile stretch where a county mounty can sit and ticket you, but they can be seen from a literal mile away. 

Speed if you opt for the express lanes. Otherwise you’re just in the way.  You wouldn’t stand in the center of an escalator blocking people that want to walk past you on the left. Who would do that.?

Same thing on the highway. If you’re just going to la de da it down the road then stay in the locals and out of my way. I’ve got shit to do. 

How to Chicago: Sporting Events

38. Thrive: We are nearing that time of year. The sports equinox occurs when the MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA are all underway. Watching pro sports in person is invariably better with more details. Nowadays all teams have an app where you can listen to the radio feed real time on your mobile. Grab a $10 beer then pop in an ear bud and listen to the radio guys explain every detail of the game as you watch it live. You can still socialize with your home boys, but now when something odd happens during the game, say all the umpires meet at the pitchers mound for a 10 minute discussion, you’ll know it was because they found cork in Sammy Sosa’s bat. Everyone around your seat will turn to you for the info. You’ll feel powerful.  It almost makes paying $50 to park worth it. 

P. S.  My wife goes to more pro sporting events than me by a hundredfold. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. 

How to Drive Chicago: dominate the expressway, brah

37. Drive. Commuting on the expressway through or around downtown during rush hour (which is every hour) can be nauseating. Expressways are very much like flowing rivers with slow pockets and fast-moving channels. These correspond directly to which side cars are entering and exiting the highway from. Move to the lanes that lead to highway exits. Less cars mean faster speeds. Avoid the side of the highway that has entrance ramps. More cars equals….. you get the point. The difference in how quickly you zip through traffic can be drastic. That stretch of exits and entrances can go on for several miles and then unexpectedly flip sides.  Know where those changes occur and move to that side accordingly.  

How to Two: Come on Already. ALERT. MUST READ. 

 36.5. Drive. Let’s make today a two-fer. This will also be the first time I’ve revisited a previous post. This one harkens back to Month 1 of this blog and I feel like none of you are listening.

THERE IS NO NEED TO EVER SLOW DOWN WHEN DRIVING OVER A SEGMENT OF ROAD AS  SEEN ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Never ever ever bether nether clever pleather smether heather ever ever. 

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a mile long back up because people hit the brakes and creep over a patch like this I would…… fuck off. Just stop doing it please. 

How to Drive Chicago: “Shitgun!”


36. Drive. And Survive. And Thrive. We were pulling out of a parking lot recently after our ten thousandth little league game and we drove past another family. I watched 2 siblings fighting for the front seat. What started as a verbal argument ended with Homer on Bart style choking. Parents in tears. Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. 

But you . . . you’re better than that. You’ve figured this out already. Or, maybe you’re one of those families who’s flatulence has no odor and your clones never argue. If that is NOT the case, allow me to help.  

Child “A” in the front seat on the way to all destinations. Child “B” in the front seat anytime you are on the way home. Done. That’s it. Doesn’t matter if it’s a one-way trip. Doesn’t matter if you’re dropping one off at an orphanage and he will never ride with you again.  “A” in front on the way there. “B” in front on the way back. 

Doesn’t matter if the getaway trip takes 5 hours and then we find a worm hole and the return is 6 minutes. “A” on the way there. “B” on the way back. 

Accordion your car killing your family? Does not matter. Corpse “A” in front. Corpse “B” in back. 

Now, I’m quite aware of the math issues if you own a third child. In that case, keep it simple. The baby stays in back until your oldest stops riding with you. Good to keep her confidence down anyways. Make it up to her in some other way. Let her lead prayers or something