How to Chicago: Abduction Instruction, or Abduction Obstruction.? Ok Fine. Stranger Danger

17. Survive.  Final tip for April….Stranger danger was not just a trendy panic during the Reagan administration. You certainly, without question must teach your offspring about kidnappers. Think like a criminal and present as many different scenarios to your clones as you can muster. Although “Do you want some candy?” can probably be upgraded with “How about some free wifi?”.  Do it early in their life and do it often.  

“Run!” pretty much sums up my advice. Monsters may threaten that they have a gun or knife, but they don’t, or if they show one, ignore it. It’s an empty threat to scare. Run! It’s your best defense. Yelling “Help!” “Police!” is important too. Create a scene.

How to Chicago: Lock it Up

16. Survive.  City living 101. Lock your doors! Your home, your car, your garage, your crawl space, your gate. Namely your garage. 20 years in the city and it’s the only spot they’ve been successful in burgling me. A few times. And it wasn’t that I left said garage unlocked regularly. It was only the few times I forgot to turn the bolt. Which means the miscreants either got very lucky, or they were casing my place. Coming through and checking the door regularly. I think it was the latter. Most often they’re looking for bikes. Never leave them out overnight and rarely during the day either. They can be lifted in a matter of seconds.

Also, do not leave electrical devices in view of windows when leaving home. Laptops, iPads, iPhones, phone pods, pad books, pad laps, poop tops, ubertubes etc. Again, there’s a fair chance that your place is being cased by local criminals. They know that you’re in and out of the house several times a day. They will absolutely bust into your crib to grab a MacBook in plain sight. It only takes several seconds and it’s just too tempting for idiots. Do a quick walk through every time you leave your home and move devices out of sight. It makes a difference. 

How To Drive Chicago: Roll Stop Signs

15. Drive. Go ahead and roll through stop signs. Yeah. That’s right. I said it. Unless, of course, there are other cars or pedestrians present, duh.  The number of stop signs in the city is stratospheric and the constant starting and stopping can’t be good for a car.  And city police have way too much going on to plant themselves near an intersection looking for offenders like they do in the suburbs. 

Nevertheless please, please do not speed down side streets. There are children everywhere and an accident/manslaughter is waiting to happen. I don’t care how quickly you have to be somewhere.  It is not worth it. Drive cautiously down side streets always looking for children playing on sidewalks or between cars. Nothing will ruin your happy go lucky day like murdering a child with your crossover. 

How to Drive Chicago: No Texting in Turn Lane

14. Drive.   Ok. We are all going to check our phones when stopped at a red light. Better than doing it while moving. Listen for the honk behind you to let you know the when light goes greeen again. 

There is, of course, one exception. Waiting in the turn lane for the green, left arrow. There is no texting allowed in this lane EVER. 


The Chicago, left, green arrow is fleeting and like soldiers kicking in a door and entering homes in Kabul, we need to get as many troops through it as possible. Go. Go. Go. Any delay will result in several cars not making it through the light and I just can’t bear the thought of that. 

Do not grab your phone when stopped in the turn lane.