How to Drive Chicago: Road Rage

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Rendering by Owen

13. Survive.   All of this city driving can be exasperating.  Emotions can run high. I’ll admit I have been prone to verbal altercations in the past. Maybe even some road rage. I’ve changed. I’ve watched enough “First 48” to know that innumerable murders occur during heat of the moment exchanges. Last December in Arkansas, 3 year old Acen King was shot and killed when a man fired into a car that he thought had been following him too closely. Holy shit !

Throw a bird to someone and they could absolutely get out and shoot you in the head. It happens. Holler at somebody for tossing trash out the window and you never know if they’re packing a Glock and having a bad day. Just let it go. It’s not worth it. Meditate or something.

Nevertheless, if you absolutely must express yourself physically and/or verbally to a moronic motorist, pedestrian or elected official, instead of the trite “fuck you” and tired middle finger try blowing them a kiss. Get creative. “Jesus loves you” is way more weird and amusing and usually gets under your foe’s skin just the right amount. You’ve been warned, however. You may be shot in the head. 

How to Drive Chicago: Gapers Duh-lay

12. Gapers’ Duh Lay

Gaper. You are the scum of the earth

dregs of society

the lowest form of being

vermin

if you could just accelerate. keep pace. and look to the right

do 2 things at once

but you can’t

card carrying moron

distracted by a shiny coin

woof. woof. tongue wag

45 minutes of crawl.

totally worth it because you peeped a crooked fender

oh sweet crooked fender

perhaps a neck collar

so worth it

rubberneck

look look an ambulance

shiny ambulance

gaper.. i hardly know… smack you in the face you piece of trash – er

don’t you do it

don’t you dare do it!

brake

break!

We should all be accelerating past this accident

I will slap the gape out of your face

your lucky I’m a pacifist


Stay tuned for next week’s topic … road rage. 

 

How to Chicago: Public Transporchildren

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Illustration by Wilson

11. Thrive.  Get your kids used to public transportation early. If your part of the epidemic and spend your evenings as a private shuttle service for your shortys, this is key. By age 12 children should be able to take a bus to baseball practice. Do a couple of dry runs with them of course. Save some notes of land marks and important streets into their phone. If they want to play rugby, an instrument, AND take dance class then they must carry some of the weight. You will raise independent, confident, young humans.

In Chicago and most other large cities you can acquire a Student Reduced Fare card (Ventra in Chicago). Students 20 years and younger ride public transportation for $ 0.75 from 5:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. It makes me so happy.

How to Drive Chicago: Speed Cameras

10. Drive.  Speed cameras… I can’t help you. They bust me every couple of months. They’re set up in random locations at parks and schools. I’ve seen them in front of post offices. I’ve seen them where absolutely no school or park or post office exists. I’ve seen them behind trees. I’ve seen them adjacent to viaducts where you can barely spot them at all. My point is that their placement seems indiscriminate. The cameras themselves are narrow and gray and very difficult to identify against the ever-present slate backdrop of our winter sky, even from a close distance. At least paint them yellow or something to give us a fighting chance. I have yet to turn up any data citing children injuries at schools or parks due to speed. It’s an obvious money maker for a city that desperately needs the dough.

One strategy…use the Waze navigation app.  Keep it open when driving around and with fairly good accuracy it will warn you when a speed camera is ahead.

LD Pho

A wonderful food and restaurant critique blog that I have been following asked for some food inspired poetry. I happen to like both of those things. I submitted the following

Pronounced “fuh” y’all…………

dineANDrhyme

CONTRIBUTOR

LD Pho
4722 N Kedzie Ave, Chicago, IL 60625
www.facebook.com/LD-Pho-602385276476865


pho pho phreakushly complex pho phlavor
savory slices of tender beef
sweet drops of hoisin
pho pho phorocius heat
drops of neon red siracha
pho pho phloating sprig of cilantro
evolves as you eat
condiments
oh yes
condiments
use as you please
a little here, a little pear
no. pears. no.
pho pho fresh jalapeño and sprouts
wedge of lime. basil of Thai.
pho pho phrankly my dear. I don’t give a Vietnam
sloth on the broth. It can’t last forever
you know when you arrive at opening
but can’t be served because the chef is late
and no one knows the secret ingredient
……it’s going to be worth the wait
I will dive in and swim one day
with a bean sprout floaty
pho pho pho phoolin
damn…
now I’ve got Def Leppard stuck in my head. 

Contributed by:  

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How to Chicago: Dinner Parties

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Illustration by my friend Owen

9. Thrive. Stop frequenting bars and learn how to host a dinner party. No waiting in line. No listening to shitty music. No waving down a bartender. No paying $12 for a cocktail. Master the art of fish tacos. Precook everything or par cook some things if you want to cut down on stress. I prefer cooking with my guests present. It adds an extra element to the evening. Take your time. Sear a few things here, blanch a few things there.
Listen to your favorite music and drink very strong drinks for free. 

…charge your friends a corkage fee if you want to make a little cheddar on the side.